I Work From Kindness From Now On.

A huge health scare gave me the courage to change how I work. It was a brutal wake up call that taught me that kindness is everything. Who I work for and what they believe in is the most important thing to me now, I just wish I knew sooner.

I set up The Doing Collective the Austrian town of Dornbirn in 2016. It sounds silly, but after leaving the UK in 2015 this little one women communication company was my safe place, my studio, it was all of me. It was when working that I didn’t feel as venerable as it did in my day to day life, I felt more confident and validated.

I struggled adjusting to living in a new country. In the UK I was a hard worker, a feminist, a proud friend, a drinker, a laugher, a confident and strong women but in Austria, I was shy, nervous and scared.

In order to protect myself from the loud imposter syndrome I had developed I worked all the time I had and I did not question who I was working for, what the work was or how I was being treated in some cases.

I Felt Lost Without Work.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant in early 2019 the work demands increased. When I needed to rest and look after myself the most I worked the hardest I had for people I did not like. I delivered contact after contract, working weekends and evenings. I was so scared to let work go because I was so scared I would not get it back. Without work I though the scraps of mu identity that were left would disappear.

All of all have cultural signifiers we surround ourselves with. Things that reflect back to us who we are and what we believe in. These can be what you wear, what politics you stand by, what music you listen to, how you spend your free time, and the tribe of friends you surround yourself with. All of these, and more, complete the picture of who we are. Work was my only signifier. I left all other behind in the UK. Now I was about to leave work I fought hard to keep it.

Then my body had other plans.

My heart was not up for the 15 hour working days. My blood pressure was soring and I was told I had to stop. Stop everything at 6 months pregnant. Panic set in. I was about to be a mother to a daughter but without work, who was I , what could I offer her?

I Nearly Died.

I had a super healthy little girl in October 2019. By January 2020 my heart still had not calmed down and nor had the doubt, anxiety or fear. I was rushed to hospital and stayed for a month. That first night a doctor told me my heart was hours away from stopping. Forever.

Test after test after operation after panic attack after test and still no one knew what was wrong. Separated from my baby, with a literal broken heart I had to take stock – Things had to change. By the first week in March I had a diagnosis. Then lock-down came and I was heavily medicated through out it till June. Then I had a tumour removed from my adrenal gland. A tiny ball of benign matter that had proven itself to be nearly deadly. By July I was physically fit and my maternity leave was over. But how to go back to something that made me so sick?

Kindness Is Everything.

I had to change.

There was no way I could go back because the hate, and the doubt and the pressure to conform and the mean clients and the pretending had made me ill. I’m not for one minute saying it caused the tumour – but it did not help matters.

I used the time staring up at the ward room ceiling to take stock. To give myself credit where it was due and to be kind to myself. I read a lot, I learned about empathy, brand activism, the important of raising other women up in business. I learnt more about communication and the power of words. I explored what I needed to change. I made a simple promise to myself.

From now on I would work from kindness. Kindness to myself, kindness to my clients, and they themselves are kind to others.

I realised I could create a company that filled my heart with joy, one that made me stronger. I could stop working so hard for people I did not like and begin to work better for companies and people I believe in, ones that share my values and my beliefs. Ones that value kindness. Brands that value the planet, the people on it and work from a place of respect. Ones that would become my new cultural signifiers. Ones that represent who I truly am.

It’s Just The Beginning.

I have been back at work for 3 months. I fell stronger, calmer, more confident. I lead with me and my beliefs. I’m no longer pretending, but I am who I am and I now work with an energy I never had before. I’m busy, I’m happy and I’m healthy.

You very rarely get a second chance, and I will not waste mine.